Bitearsweet

Things have changed so much these past years for me. I've been looking at things from a different view point and understanding more and more about myself. I guess that's a good thing eh? Although my mom probably doesn't think I've matured any, I'd like to think I have. I guess I just have to settle my inner thoughts before I can really do anything physical to prove to her that I've grown up and that I'm no longer a child (despite my appearance! XD)

I've made another discovery about myself this year, but I didn't really realize it until I was talking with my friend today. Actually, it's more like I didn't officially acknowledge it until today. I've been doing things like that a lot lately! I thought that it was because of the whole "5 year interest" I seem to have that I've been growing apart from dancing. This year is officially my 5th year of dancing and I've noticed that I've never really stayed in anything longer than 5 years. There's been talk about doing auditions this year for HH4H in classes and Shrina messaged me about auditions this Saturday. But I found myself not having the drive or wanting to audition this year at all. Last year I auditioned for everything that came my way, but this year I just don't want to. Maybe it's because I don't have that supporting drive from him anymore, maybe it's cos I'm starting to doubt myself now. Or maybe I'm just losing heart. But what I've realized today is that I don't love dancing any less. Rather, I love it even more.

What's the problem? I don't like competitions and I hate auditions even more. I can be rather competitive with myself and, actually, with others, but in the end I just want to do this for myself. The only reason why I go to competitions and why I went to auditions is cos I wanted to be on stage. The feeling is just phenomenal! I used to be so scared going on stage but this year at AE regardless of anything that was happening around me, it was like I was in a whole different world. I didn't care about winning or getting a high mark. I wanted to do my best, to show everyone something that they'd remember and the feeling I got when I was connecting with other people in my group was just absolutely undescribable. I loved it when people were cheering for us and I loved it even more when they were cheering as I did my short little 6 count solo. But it's always short lived. No matter how well I dance, I'm never remembered. Kinda burns when you're trying to leave a mark in people's minds but all I can do is do my best.

I know there are people who want to go out there and win or to get a high mark. And there's people who love to go do auditions. I know you have to audition most times to be a part of something like this and when you don't make it, it just means you're not right for the part or what they're looking for and not because you're bad at it. But I absolutely hate the feeling of being there, like you're trying to prove something. Trying to prove to the judges you know what you're doing or trying to prove to the people holding auditions that you're right for the part. No matter what anyone says, you can never just have fun. It's just not possible cos the "what if" is always in the back of your mind.

I just want to dance and do what I want to do. I want to perform, to put smiles on people's faces, and maybe, just maybe one person will remember me. Hopefully that will put a smile on their face.