Bitearsweet

I've never broken a friendship with anyone, nor have I ever distanced myself from anyone on purpose. I would hate to be on the other end of such a relationship with another person, so I don't do it to others. No matter how much someone has ever hurt me or taken advantage of me, I've continued being friends with them. And I guess it's persistence, believing that there's still some good in that person, that has resulted in turning some of those people into worthy friends again. Then again, there are those that just disappear off the face of the earth and I never hear from them again. If they were to contact me again though, I wouldn't turn away.

Funny, I never thought that the relationship with a close friend would ever turn into a bad friendship. And I don't mean the kind where you're good friends and then it's all over due to some bad fight or something. It's almost like it was a friendship that shouldn't have even happened in the first place. Haha, it's starting to sound more like a relationship-relationship as opposed to a friendship-relationship! He's even earned himself the title "男慈禧" (Male Empress Dowager) all cos of how the way he just is! This friendship has stressed me out to the max many times over and after much deep consideration and discussion with people who are important to me, I've finally realized how and where this friendship is and should go. I'm finally labelling this "friendship" and going to give myself some kind of closure so...

Dear Friend,
When I look back, we definitely had some great times. I don't think I've quite met another person so similar to me before, someone who did things and thought pretty much exactly the way I did. To the point where you frequently said that we were the exact same person (although I knew the fact that you were such an extrovert and I an introvert was a big enough difference between us!) I always looked forward to hanging out with you cos that was the only time that I could really forget about all my stress and troubles, and just be surrounded by music which plays such a large part in our lives. You've taught me to become more open and less (I must stress LESS) worrisome. There are so many things that I would just walk away from in the past, so many opportunities that I would have missed because I would tell myself one little "I don't know... I don't really want to... I'm afraid..." and give in. Now, there's always the "what if" that has led me to experience so much. Like you said, don't worry about what you think MIGHT happen. It hasn't happened yet and you won't know the outcome until you try or ask. If the worst-case scenario occurs, then go from there. There's always a solution to everything. And for all that, I sincerely thank you.

I'm happy I was able to open your eyes to another culture and was able to give you an experience you have never before experienced, since you've never gone anywhere outside of Canada. I'm sure this international experience has taught you a lot and you will be able to draw from it when you travel to China. Travelling makes or breaks friendship, but it's the first time I've heard that it can make THEN break a friendship. I'm sure we'd both agree that we had 2 awesome weeks, filled with the exposure to new things, deep discussions and bonding time. But there was such coldness that I received from you the moment the doors to the airport waiting area opened. You were like night and day. And you continue to be like night and day. You acknowledge me when you want to and when you don't want to, you push me aside and walk past me like I'm transparent. It hurts and it's frustrating to the point where I'm afraid to say hi to you cos I don't know how (or if) it will be received. And to think that I stressed over so much so that you could experience a culture you've been so excited about. I planned everything from beginning to end, found and booked the tickets, bothered my friends to find a place to stay and a chance to meet and learn from the best. I've lost nights of sleep and caused stress not only on myself but also on my friends, and the response I get from you? Disappointment over the fact that I forgot to notify you that you needed to get shots that you hate so much (I apologize that I had a million things I was worrying about to remember to notify another adult) in which you questioned my friendship; substantually cutting short a trip that I planned so hard and spent so much money on (ditching me by myself in an international country, regardless of how much I know the place, is not that easy of a solution for such a thing); putting me on the verge of tears cos I wasn't being the "open/extroverted" person that you want me to be. Even then, I shrugged everything off my shoulders. Countless times I've been told this friendship isn't even worth having, but I'm not one to break a friendship cos I believe there's good in everyone. Maybe it's true what my friends have concluded, maybe it's cos I've made you realize on this trip how vulnerable you are by putting you in a place where you have no control over anything, and now everytime you see me you get reminded of this and thus resent me for it. I'll never know.

Maybe it's for the better that I've come to terms with this. I've realized that I deserve more in a friendship and there's no use for me trying to keep what was such a good friendship if the other side isn't willing to try. I'm not angry at you, even though I should be, and I'm no longer frustrated. I just think it's a pity that such a good friendship has vanished and we're standing at a point where we're more of strangers than even acquaintances are. We're never going to have as good of a friendship as we did before and even if we tried, I don't think I'd be able to believe that you wouldn't pull this stunt again on me in the future. I'm not going to worry anymore and I'm going to say hello to you every time I see you regardless of how whether or not you respond, and regardless of how you respond. Maybe one day you'll realize what a jerk you've been, but I'm not banking on it.