Bitearsweet

It's kinda unnerving to think about it, but I don't think that I have a goal or if I'm working towards anything. I've always done what I wanted when I felt like it. If I wanted to accomplish something, I just dove head first into it without even thinking where it would take me. Is that a bad thing? I really don't know. Why did I learn so many things? I mean, I know I love learning, that's for sure, but I keep taking more lessons and learning more things but what's the point? Rather, I think I've turned myself into mixed pool of... nothing. I've accomplished half of everything I've ever learned and now what? Wow I think I've just realized that I'm a bit of a failure. Everyone seems to think I have some kind of talent, but the truth is I'm just willing to learn anything and everything. If you look at it, it's really not talent. If I was talented, people would remember my so-called "talent". All the things I do are never mentioned in the same breath. It's always been "oh, so-and-so should be a singer!" or "so-and-so is such a great dancer!" and then "oh, Karen's really good at this too!" Hehe, even when it comes to performing I'm always option B, on the back burner. Sure I wish I could be thought of as number 1 in something. But really anyone who does what I do can de-throne me in a second. I've learnt so many languages that I have a bit of knowledge of so many things but not really a deep understanding of anything. In other words, I really know nothing. I mean, I'm not trying to put myself down, it's simply the truth and I wonder how I can change this. Piano... sure I know how to play and I'm fairly good at sight-reading and transcribing, but there are TONS of people out there that can do way better than I can with less years of experience. I just wish I knew where I was going with everything. No, I wish I knew if there WAS anywhere that I was going with everything. Is there a point? A reason? What am I trying to prove? What am I looking for? Most importantly, why don't I know? Maybe I really am immature. And I'm sure maturity has more to do than cleaning my room or helping around the house. I don't understand anything. This is SO frustrating... And while in a way I really don't think this way (cos honestly, I do like getting praised cos it gives me the sense that I have a purpose and it boosts my self-esteem, which is quite low...) but at the same time, I just wish people would stop saying that I'm talented or that I'm really good at something. Cos really, I'm not good at anything. I've said it before and it's true... it's all know-how. I just KNOW how to do these things, I'm not exceptionally skilled at doing them. You can easily pick anyone off the street that can do what I do better. And that makes me quite sad cos I realize that I'm just plain Jane, nothing. I've always tried so hard to be different, to live outside of the box, when really I'm as average as anyone can be. *sigh* Reality sucks, but I've got to face the music.